I’ve been experiencing some serious anger lately. I’m not talking about a little frustration or a moment of silently screaming to yourself. I’m talking full on anger, you know where your jaw is tight from clenching your teeth, your hands are always balled up if you aren’t doing anything specific with them, and wanting to punch anyone that says something that you deem as stupid or just because they are breathing. Yes, I know that is not nice to say, but that is how I’ve been feeling lately. I haven’t actually physically harmed anyone nor have I taken my anger out on others. I mostly suffer in silence with my frustration which is why it has built into what it is….rage.
I feel mad at the world. I have so much pent up anger inside which I know is not healthy. At some point it’s going to come out if I don’t do something productive about it. Have you ever experienced this or felt like this before? Now, I don’t have the personality to do something I think can cause harm to others, even if I they deserve it. BUT, in my mind…oh boy, I’m doing and saying all kinds of things; I’m kicking all kinds of butt and giving everyone a piece of mind. However, in reality that’s just not me. Shoot, I feel guilty about yelling at my dog if he’s done something wrong. The sensitivity I have towards people, and obviously animals, is extremely high. But having pent up rage is not good.
My anger required me to sit back and think about what has been going on that has me so upset. It got to a point where I couldn’t function. I couldn’t concentrate and anxiety was starting to kick in. Something had to give. I can’t actually pin point it to one thing or one situation or one person. I have no idea what actually triggered these feelings. After several hours of tears and prayers for God to release this anger inside of me, He sent me someone to physically talk to. I literally received a phone call from someone the Lord knew I would not hesitate to answer even on my worse days. And someone who I felt safe in sharing my feelings. He’s always right on time!
It took me a minute to get my thoughts together and explain what I was feeling inside. Sometimes it’s hard to put words to what you are feeling. Surprisingly I was able to. I was angry, frustrated, and sad. I felt alone, misunderstood, and discarded. After about 40 minutes of me rambling, he says to me, “Healing is a journey and a process. Just because you’ve done well in one area doesn’t mean that you don’t have work to do in another area. And it doesn’t mean that you haven’t made progress. It just means you’re human.”
And just like that, I was stuck, shocked, and silenced. In my rawness, I was reminded that I am a wounded healer. As much as I have a desire to help others heal, and I have, I too am on a journey. I have my own hurts to process and heal from as well. The road isn’t easy, but I have come a long way. I just needed a little reminder.
I’m so grateful that the Lord heard my heart’s cries and my prayers. Thank you, Lord!
In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
Psalm 18:6 (NIV)